Humor

HUMOR

Money can't buy you happiness…But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-Spike Milligan
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

If you look like your passport picture...You probably need the trip.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

I chose the road less traveled. Now, where the hell am I?

What’s wrong with always being right?

Please don’t interrupt me while I’m ignoring you.

If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

If I had half a mind, I’d be twice as smart as you.

Sarcasm is your body’s natural defense against stupid.

If you're going to be weird, be confident about it.
Keep silent and be thought a fool, speak and remove all doubt.
The waist is a terrible thing to mind.

-Tom Wilson

For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

-Darrin Weinberg

I’m going to be assertive if that’s ok with you!
You're just jealous because the little voices talk to me!
Finance is the study of money and how it violates the rules of mathematics and common sense.

-T. Granson Gill
I should like to live like a poor man, with a great deal of money.

-Pablo Picasso
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

-Bill Vaughan
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

-A. H. Weiler

When you go into court you are putting your life into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

-Norm Crosby

When business accepts help from government, it can be like going to bed with a hippopotamus. It’s warm and nice for a moment, but then your bedmate rolls over and crushes you.

-Donald Rumsfeld

Things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

When I first started working I used to dream of the day when I might be earning the salary I’m starving on now.

-Anonymous

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.

-Mark Twain

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re about average.
The taxpayer - that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take a civil service examination.

-Ronald Reagan

The Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.

-Anonymous

There is never enough time unless you’re serving it.

-Malcolm Forbes

Be awful nice to ‘em goin’ up, because you’re gonna meet ‘em all comin’ down.

-Jimmy Durante

Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

-Susan Ertz

Any new venture goes through the following stages: Enthusiasm, complication, disillusionment, search for the guilty, punishment of the innocent, and decoration of those who did.
Dogs come when they’re called. Cats take a message and get back to you.

-Mary Bly

Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.

-Rene Yasenek

Business: The art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence.

-Max Amsterdam

There are some men who, in a fifty-fifty proposition, insist on getting the hyphen too.

-Lawrence J. Peter

If you aren’t fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

-Vince Lombardi

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

-Fred Allen

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

-Joey Adams

Originality is the art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Not sure where we heard this one
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

-Phyllis Diller

Men are like blenders - you need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

-Baroness Edith Summerskill

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

-Elayne Boosler

People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.

-Rebecca West

One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers and nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
Amazing! You just hand something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a mistake that “stressed” is “desserts” spelled backwards?
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited
If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine Aird
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called me slow!
-Kathy Buckley
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
We all have photographic memories, it's just that some of us don't have any film.
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?
-Clarence Darrow