Causes of Psychological Malnutrition

Individuals who are not getting their daily nutrition requirement of recognition tend to compensate by substituting superficial interactions for real contact. The following list of strategies describes the various styles of behavior through which we may try to get our needs met indirectly without admitting we have them. (Note that the level of sophistication increases as you move up the scale.)

1. The Conformist. You find yourself accepting abuse in a relationship because you don’t feel you deserve anything better. This indirect method is not the road to sainthood; it’s the road to the hell of abuse.

2. Valiant Caretaking. You take care of everyone else as a way of never having to ask anything for yourself. You hope that someone will see your need and offer to meet it. Perhaps you are afraid that if you ask, you will meet with disappointment or rejection. If you thought better of yourself you would realize that you deserve to get your needs met too.

3. Eat Your Heart Out. You find yourself willing to settle for the envy of others (e.g., by bragging about your children’s accomplishments, name-dropping) because you don’t feel that you deserve their love. In this regard, envy compared with respect and appreciation is as satisfying as a cup of instant coffee and powdered dairy creamer compared with an aromatic, freshly prepared cup of coffee.

4. Super Self-Absorption. You don’t really listen to what others are saying unless it refers directly to you. You become irritated and bored when the conversation moves to a topic other than yourself. Others may think that your outrageous egotism is a sign that you think too well of yourself. You and they need to think again.

5. Trumping. You view every conversation as a competitive match in which you must prove your importance. Thus you must “top” everyone’s story. To make sure you are ahead, you silently keep score.

8. Subtle Trump. Instead of seeking ways to establish direct connection or communication with another, you find yourself secretly thinking about how to promote yourself in ways that are subtle enough so that your hunger for self- importance won’t be detected. This requires great imagination, and some of us have taken it to the level of an art.

Sadly, these strategies are hollow in that they really don’t add to your overall sense of self-worth. Indeed, they prevent you from feeling your unmet needs and confronting your feelings of inadequacy. Like drugs or alcohol, they merely cover up the problem without addressing the source of the discomfort.

Author Unknown